Log in Register
 
RSS Feed Twitter MySpace Facebook Digg Flickr Delicious YouTube
Holy Water
UKScreen Rating:

WHAT’S IT ABOUT?

Money is tight in the small Irish village of Kilcoulins Leap.
The rundown hotel, owned by the Gaffer (Lynch) and his sister Geraldine (real-life sister, Lynch!) never has any guests, the local pub is always empty but for a few gossips, the local postman Podger (Clarke) is worried about losing his job in the latest round of cuts – the once-thriving spa town is in desperate need of a boost.

During a delivery to a local depot, Podger notices a lorry load of Viagra and realised it’s manufactured nearby.
He gets together with the Gaffer and another two villagers and comes up with a plan to hijack a consignment of the little blue pills and sell them over in Amsterdam.

Against all the odds, dressed as nuns (how hilarious is that?!) the misfits manage to pull off the hijack and theft, but it’s not long before Pfizer send in the big guns to recover their stolen stock.
Three Americans, who wouldn’t look out of place in the Terminator films (lucky they’re led by Linda Hamilton, then) turn up with an armoury and gadgets that would get Jason Bourne excited.
Our hapless gangsters panic and decide to stash the cache until the heat goes away. The take the barrels of pills to a holy well on the edge of the village and dump them at the bottom – safely out of anyone’s view.

While they’re waiting for the Americans to give up, doing all they can to lead them on a wild goose chase, the village inexplicably comes back to life.
Everyone’s suddenly in a good mood – because everyone’s suddenly – well – at it again.
The pills dissolved at the bottom of the well, you see, and when the big V gets into the water supply, all the women can’t get enough sex and their men rise to the challenge.

WHAT’S IT LIKE?

The idea of a quaint Irish comedy always appeals – this felt like it should’ve been a Waking Ned – with a bunch of loveable misfits getting up to mischief in a village which becomes famous for all the wrong reasons.
But at every possible point, it falls flat on its face. First of all, it’s not even Irish. The actors might be Irish and the post-van might be Irish, but the first suspicious thing is a lack of support from the Irish Film Board – they’ll sponsor anything with an Irish link – but this was shot in Devon.

So this quaint Irish comedy isn’t Irish – and it contains very little clever or original comedy. Two black marks before we even get onto the genre.

It’s kind of a sex farce – but without as much sex as you’d expect for a film about Viagra (including frequent disclaimers that Pfizer have nothing to do with it – they’re the wise ones!) and farcically clunky comic direction.
There’s an attempt at crime caper in there – stealing a few pills from a lorry and selling them in Amsterdam is hardly the height of ambition for a master criminal – and given that more of the film is about them hiding from the authorities than carrying out the crime, this avenue closes quickly too.
There’s always the fish-out-of-water angle – four men least qualified to be carrying out a crime, carrying out a crime – although, necessarily, they get as far as they do only because the authorities are even more hapless than they are.

There appear to be only three police officers in the whole area – and they couldn’t catch a rugby ball, let alone a criminal.
And the heavy-handedness of the gun-toting special forces, allowed free reign of Ireland to find the blue pills just seems so far-fetched as to make it impossible to accept the story on any level.

Because the characters are so unbelievable and their actions so incoherent, it makes it hard to enjoy any of the performances – apart from the Gaffer and Podger, the rest of the characters are so blank and dull that you’ll feel you’ll need a tablet yourself to keep you awake until the end. Most of the cast would’ve been more comfortable in a TV sitcom than in a big-screen release.

To be fair, this was charming enough, but just too contrived and the biggest crime is that it’s just not funny enough.
You can tell where the gags are meant to be – they’re all signposted so boldly, you can imagine the writers on set, excitedly constructing each one. You can almost imagine how they might have worked, but they don’t.
In all areas, the film falls horribly flat – it’s desperate to work – but it lacks the fizz and excitement that flow (so I’m told) from the little blue pills that feature so prominently in everything from the plot to the pun-filled tag-lines – “an arousing comedy” – “time for a stiff drink.”

Poor writing, poor directing and poor acting – the only piece of good work from these film-makers was getting Linda Hamilton on board – but what on earth was she doing trying to revive her career with this. Holy Water is likely to Terminate any hope she might have a making a comeback.

Mercifully, unlike the intended effect of Viagra, this cheap and amateur film is short.

Opens nationwide 5th February 2010

Comments

comments

Tagged with:

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

Skip to toolbar